Love

I love my words – they take all of my soul until nothing is left – an all-consuming fire that burns bright ever so bright but fades again into the depths of the night as fast as it flared to life – words give me moments of bliss & glimpses of beauty but they always go away.
-∞-
I love my dog – he is always there – always happy to see me & sad to see me go – & he is the tie with my heart the thing that keeps it beating steady & true – because his honesty drives my own & his love encourages mine – & when I cry he doesn’t ask me to stop just licks the tears away until they cease & snuggles against my body like a living medicine.
-∞-
I love breath iced in the air – when the temperature goes below comfort & every expulsion of air rises in clouds that crystallize & fall to the diamond earth below.
-∞-
I love my horse – he transports me to another freedom – one where my feet don’t touch the ground where my eyes focus out & my skin feels his lust for life – where my ears hear the shuffle of hooves in the dirt & the soft exhalation of breath as he turns inward – ready to become a part of me & I of him.
-∞-
I love the whistle of wind – through the grass how it sings a soft melody – through the sage how it rustles & bears the sweet strong scent of the wild & rugged – through the trees how it sounds different from lodge pole to pine to fir to quakies – but the quakies are the best – their whistle bounces along on shaky tremors like children laughing & it makes me smile even when am sad.
-∞-
I love the seconds after waking up – how my body slowly moves & stretches as the pulse begins to pound again like a bear after a long hibernation – how the fuzzies of a good sleep slowly fade into the background & the light plays over hair & skin tangled in sheets making awareness rise but not enough to abandon the nest – not yet.
-∞-
I love my wanderlust – my urge to see what is beyond – to go where the sky meets the earth & farther because I want to see what is new what is fresh what is truly wild – the roving gypsy lust for new things & places the insatiable itch to move on.
-∞-
I love my Frank Church – my rugged mountains & treacherous rocks that teach me every day that life is about falling down & continuing on – bleeding your soul into what you do with sweat & curses that the empty sky above takes from your mouth & throws into the wind to be eaten like a worm by a robin – breaking what you think you are capable of down into confidence & hard won respect for yourself.
-∞-
I love the moon as it shines over rustling water – how it eats away the darkness never succeeding but always trying with its army of stars to keep it company – how it calls to me & the wild things to worship its untouchable beauty – its perfect imperfections – its whispering call to the ebbs & tides of life & flesh & blood & cycles.
-∞-
I love the ocean – the ocean I have never seen because even though my eyes have never touched it in this life some previous version of me sat on the rocky coasts of an emerald land & smiled as the waves caressed the pain away.
-∞-
I love the moments before sleep – how vision wavers & you see the other realms that your mind knows exist but blocks off because it is used to being told such notions are insanity – how the blood thickens & slows to a steady rhythm of content – & the ghosts you forget about when awake creep in to say hello because they are lonely & most don’t talk to them anymore.
-∞-
I love the feel of a dress against skin – how it flutters & clings & swings as you move – how you are not shrouded in concealment & it feels like freedom & power – not the same feeling that sweats & sweatshirts give but just as good.
-∞-
I love the sweet call of booze & smoke – the loud noise of friends at bars during a night of play a night of debauchery a night of life.
-∞-
I love the first knowing – when everything is knew & you are free to explore & discover to touch & brush skin against skin & lips against lips – to slide hands against sweat & taste & feel life in flashes of sensation & knowing & sometimes that is a blessing & sometimes it is a curse but the knowing is there & precious in its way.
-∞-
I love how the mists rise from the ground – swirling & angry under a morning sun that beats away the chill of fall – how the roofs & trucks & horses steam & it all causes a faint fog over the ground like some movie where the demon creatures will emerge from the grey swirls – but nothing like that happens.
-∞-
I love all of these things but I am afraid that I will never love someone – or maybe I am afraid of the pain of having to turn away because I will have to – because loving all of these things requires nothing – there are no strings – even with my dog & my horse they expect nothing & are grateful for everything – but someone else – they expect even when they don’t realize – when you love someone there are strings attached no matter how hard you try to cut them away with a skinning ready knife – I will not be able to give them all of myself & will refuse to be half one thing & half another & poor at both until the love is gone – & I want to feel & experience that yet it terrifies because I have seen it tear others apart – cause a rise & a fall during which it is impossible to hold together – seen it limit people in their dreams & choices & wishes & they don’t even realize they have closed doors that can never be opened again – & I am terrified of love & lusting for it & there are no answers not even from the ghosts that say hello from other realms – there is nothing but a slightly used soul making its way with not enough past to guide it & no sight to look into the future.

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