Despairing Hope

What do you do when you want to flee yourself hide in the darkness from your own hope – hope hurts more than despair – today hope causes my soul to shrivel – I want to know if my hope has a chance – I am afraid fear will kill that hope – I don’t know how to rationalize or compartmentalize this as I have done other things in my life – lacking the ability to do so terrifies me – it’s how I dealt with family and friends small hurts and long years piled on one another – it enables me to survive – if I can’t control this hope like I have controlled other things I fear it will devour me – the darkness of despair has already eaten at me a little – I feel that wound fester brighter than the ray of light that hope brings – I can’t outrun myself.

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