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I learned young
To build a confidence
Maybe even a swagger
In how I carry myself amongst others
A survival mechanism
Created out of necessity

You see
I was raised around dominant men
And I realized early
If I wanted a voice
I had to stand toe to toe
And make them listen

It’s been a part of me for so long
That I don’t even realize it’s on

It’s hard to juggle that
And meet people
It deters and intimidates most
And those it doesn’t are attracted
To the idea of a confident woman
But not the reality of it

I think I scare people when I do drop that guard
I’ve discovered I have no half way
Just on or off with no dimmer switch
And that level of wide open vulnerability
Is uncomfortable to them

I’ve yet to find someone
Who can handle both versions of me
And pretending to be something else
Has never been one of my talents

Endings

The ending wasn’t an end
Just a vanishing
That made me call it
Like a Dr. over a DOA
Made me drop the match and walk away
From all the could have beens
As the bridge burned hot and bright behind me

And I’ll admit
I shed some tears over you
Some out of anger and damaged ego
But some seeped out of the crack you left in my heart
Because the truth is
I liked you
More than I’d liked anyone in a long time
Enough that you ghosting
Took me some time to get over
Some time before slow moments
Didn’t cause your absence to rise up
And haunt me

I’ll never know why or what
Because you didn’t give me that
Even when I did the heavy lifting and asked
You wouldn’t give me an answer
You sat in your silence
And held your reasons tight
While I wondered

And I’m not much of a waiter
But in case you don’t realize
The time I waited for the answer you never gave
Was more than I’ve ever waited
For any answer
From any person

It’s sad really
Because you could have ended it different
But you were a coward
Which caught me by surprise
Makes me question my own judgement
Because how could I have been so wrong

There are still days
When it fires my temper
Makes me hope you bust a rim after I see you driving by
There are still days
It cuts the smile from my face
When I’m not busy enough to avoid the wondering

But I’m a resilient soul
I’ve always been happy by myself
I will be again
As soon as I fix the cracks and dents
Left by your carelessness

I guess you and I
Were one of those things
Not meant to see tomorrow

shattered

i think i will always wonder
how you are

it wasn't my intent
what happened
to your heart

you see
my soul could never have lived forever with yours
it just took me awhile
to realize that truth
and then awhile longer
to
admit it

so i think i will always wonder
how you are
and i hope that you're ok
somewhere

just not hear
next to me
because by the time my soul was done with you
you would never have
been ok again

loving me

she was
a wild beast
that’s the only way
I can describe her
a beast
and she lived
as a wild thing lives
free of rules
of constrictions
and i’ll admit
i tried
i tried so very hard
to tame that wildness
to claim her as my own
but she was wiser than i
she knew
a wild thing caged
dies slowly
until there’s nothing left
she knew
she wasn’t destined to be tamed
so she ran
long before i realized
she was ready to go
somedays i’m grateful
for in trying to tame her
we would have hated each other
and other days
well
we all have other days
but that’s the price i suppose
of loving her
of loving a wild beast