I learned young
To build a confidence
Maybe even a swagger
In how I carry myself amongst others
A survival mechanism
Created out of necessity

You see
I was raised around dominant men
And I realized early
If I wanted a voice
I had to stand toe to toe
And make them listen

It’s been a part of me for so long
That I don’t even realize it’s on

It’s hard to juggle that
And meet people
It deters and intimidates most
And those it doesn’t are attracted
To the idea of a confident woman
But not the reality of it

I think I scare people when I do drop that guard
I’ve discovered I have no half way
Just on or off with no dimmer switch
And that level of wide open vulnerability
Is uncomfortable to them

I’ve yet to find someone
Who can handle both versions of me
And pretending to be something else
Has never been one of my talents


The ending wasn’t an end
Just a vanishing
That made me call it
Like a Dr. over a DOA
Made me drop the match and walk away
From all the could have beens
As the bridge burned hot and bright behind me

And I’ll admit
I shed some tears over you
Some out of anger and damaged ego
But some seeped out of the crack you left in my heart
Because the truth is
I liked you
More than I’d liked anyone in a long time
Enough that you ghosting
Took me some time to get over
Some time before slow moments
Didn’t cause your absence to rise up
And haunt me

I’ll never know why or what
Because you didn’t give me that
Even when I did the heavy lifting and asked
You wouldn’t give me an answer
You sat in your silence
And held your reasons tight
While I wondered

And I’m not much of a waiter
But in case you don’t realize
The time I waited for the answer you never gave
Was more than I’ve ever waited
For any answer
From any person

It’s sad really
Because you could have ended it different
But you were a coward
Which caught me by surprise
Makes me question my own judgement
Because how could I have been so wrong

There are still days
When it fires my temper
Makes me hope you bust a rim after I see you driving by
There are still days
It cuts the smile from my face
When I’m not busy enough to avoid the wondering

But I’m a resilient soul
I’ve always been happy by myself
I will be again
As soon as I fix the cracks and dents
Left by your carelessness

I guess you and I
Were one of those things
Not meant to see tomorrow


i think i will always wonder
how you are

it wasn't my intent
what happened
to your heart

you see
my soul could never have lived forever with yours
it just took me awhile
to realize that truth
and then awhile longer
admit it

so i think i will always wonder
how you are
and i hope that you're ok

just not hear
next to me
because by the time my soul was done with you
you would never have
been ok again

loving me

she was
a wild beast
that’s the only way
I can describe her
a beast
and she lived
as a wild thing lives
free of rules
of constrictions
and i’ll admit
i tried
i tried so very hard
to tame that wildness
to claim her as my own
but she was wiser than i
she knew
a wild thing caged
dies slowly
until there’s nothing left
she knew
she wasn’t destined to be tamed
so she ran
long before i realized
she was ready to go
somedays i’m grateful
for in trying to tame her
we would have hated each other
and other days
we all have other days
but that’s the price i suppose
of loving her
of loving a wild beast


he took the stars from her eyes
ground them to dust
till the remnants drifed away
on a wind bound for purgatory

and later
years later
when she couldn’t take it any longer
he blamed her
for after all stars do die

but the truth is
darkness will always seek out light
try and conquer it
it wins

but it only takes
a single strand of light
to break free from the darkness
that’s what she found
a small strand of light
of hope
and she walked away
darkness at her back
the world at her front


I realized today
That the guys I like
Are all older
Not older as in using a walker
But older as in mid 40s
And even a 50s or 2

And I realized that
It was a little weird
At least in my mind

So I passed this
“Huh” moment on to a friend
Who then said
It might take some one
Who has 40 years of maturity
And independence
To handle you

I’m not exactly a wild thing
But I’m not an easy person either
Too much Irish and German
To be
Easily gentled or handled

So I think
She is right

And that
I need to get over it
Being weird
Because it seems that 40+
Does it for me